A Woman's work?

As a society women have more equality in the workplace and much as changed but many women come to see me for therapy because they are very overwhelmed. That overwhelm starts at home and is intense due to the pandemic. Many women still face the intense stress of managing a large majority of the mental, homeschooling, and housework load in their relationships. Many spouses still expect their wives to do the majority of the housework and primary childcare management while holding down a fulltime job.

Many women can become deeply unhappy in their marriages when they look at the weight they manage despite pleading to their partners for help. Add this to other relationships and communication issues couples face, this is one of the reasons women initiate divorce at higher numbers compared to men.

Research shows that couples enter therapy often when it’s too late. Many come to therapy after over years of marriage resentment sets in after being stuck doing it all.  Women then become consumed by unhappiness more than their partners who have fewer stressors and fewer reasons to be deeply unhappy with the marriage. 

Working with a therapist before marriage or in the early years can help stage a healthier foundation to decrease the resentment that builds over time that slowly destroys marriages.

The #1 Reason Black Couples Go to Therapy

What is the #1 reason black couples go to therapy? The same reason that compels white couples to pick up the phone to make an appointment for therapy; communication. 

Communication difficulties are one of the most common reasons why all couples enter therapy.  Black couples are no different, but we must be honest that black couples have different issues that impact their communication issues in relationships because of racism. 

For many Black couples, communication is complicated by racism everywhere. Racism in the workplace, childhood, educational systems, in countless micro-aggressions black people encounters just living life. Add this to the fact that in order to survive many black people were socialized to wear a mask, to not display true feelings or emotions, it is often very difficult for Black people—especially Black men—to express their feelings directly. 

In order to have a healthy relationship you need healthy communication, right? What if healthy expressions of feelings appropriate to situations can lead to your death? Because the expression of emotions for black people historically and present-day face for expressing their feelings can have deadly consequences. Many black people struggle to have a place that is safe in this society to express their emotions.  Look at Sandra Bland and other cases of black people and police-involved shootings. 

So many Black men and women often enter therapy with the complaint that their partners are emotionally unavailable. There are many valid reasons for this reinforced by our society. That’s why it’s important for the therapist to understand these realities, to help black couples when they come to therapy for help. One of my first strategies with black couples is to join and connect with each person and work to establish trust. Once trust is established, I can begin to explore what each member of the couple has brought to the relationship in terms of past experiences racial traumas.  That is where healing can begin and small steps to improve communication start. 

Please email me at therapyfor@livinginthesecondhalf.com or call me at 646-859-0125 to schedule a free 15 minute consulation

If you survived childhood emotional abuse know that what you faced is valid!

Many people think childhood abuse has to be physical abuse leaving broken bones and marks. Our mind recalls the stories we see on TV when a child is removed from the home due to physical abuse or extreme neglect. Those cases are heartbreaking because we can physically see the immediate impact of the horrors that child faced. Yes, there are varied levels of abuse. I want to offer that the abused children face that is unaddressed and impact the lives of many adults is valid also.

 Childhood trauma is also emotional abuse that leave scars few people can see.

Childhood emotional trauma often is difficult to heal, because there is so much secrecy surrounding it. This secrecy causes many adults to develop deep shame. This shame causes people to live in pain for decades coping with the impact of their wounds in silence. 

The truth is childhood emotional abuse has not received the same attention compared to other forms of trauma such as sexual assault, or physical abuse. ⠀

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For many emotional abuses by parents or adult caregivers still remains a large gray area of misperception about parenting stressors or cultural differences. ⠀

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Because of all of the gray as a society we tend to have more tolerance when it occurs inside the home compared to when it occurs outside the home. ⠀

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There are real negative consequences when we fail to address childhood emotional trauma and neglect. 

Adults who grew up with childhood trauma experience more anxiety, depression, chronic pain, stress sensitivity, chronic illness, sleep problems, low self-worth, imposter syndrome, and the feeling of being “stuck” life.

Know that if this was your childhood there can be healing. 

What you face was real and your pain matters also.

The past doesn’t have to continue to negativity shape your future.

Seeking support from a mental health professional who has a trauma-informed approach is one-way survivors can get help.

To find a therapist in your area you look at major directories such as https://www.psychologytoday.com/us https://www.therapyforblackgirls.com or if you're located in NJ call me at 646-859-0125 to email me at Therapyfor@livinginthesecondhalf.com to schedule a free 15-minute consultation.

How EMDR sessions can help you stop living in survival mode finally?

I decided to invest in my craft to better serve my clients and became trained in EMDR last year. I work with many adults in the forgotten generation; Generation X. 

Many have experienced childhood trauma growing up in the ’70s and 80’s grappling with the impact of the crack epidemic that destroyed many communities of color. Also, many Gen Xers had a parent who served in the military in the Korean War like my Dad, or Vietnam. Many of those men came back home with severe mental health issues untreated and used drugs and alcohol to kill the pain. 

This means many people who are in generation x have tons of unaddressed childhood trauma walking around now. This trauma is present in their lives today, impacting their relationships with others and the relationship they have with themselves. 

Remember therapy was not as popular back then the way it is more acceptable and accessible as it is now. That means many gen Xers needed care but did not receive it.

EMDR is one of the most effective forms of therapy to address trauma. 

How does EMDR help people with childhood trauma? EMDR uses bilateral stimulation, or side-to-side eye movements, to reprocess disturbing memories. Research from many sources found that the bilateral eye movements performed in EMDR may replicate the rapid eye movements (REM) during the dream stage of sleep. Research has long believed that during REM sleep our brains process the events of the day, including our emotions, beliefs and physical sensations. If the brain does not process these properly, memories may become lodged and can cause us problems further down the line. Sometimes the symptoms of trauma don't appear for months, years, and even decades afterward. 

In a series of EMDR therapy sessions, I use gentle bilateral tapping (often on the top of the client's hands or side of a client’s legs) in addition to the eye stimulation. Some therapists use tappers to stimulate the physical tapping method I use. During sessions, dual attention stimulation (bilateral eye movements and tapping) unlocks the unprocessed memory, releases the painful emotions and sensations, and allows your brain to let go of the beliefs that are holding you back in life

Childhood trauma anxiety, anger, and depression are just a few of the symptoms of having unprocessed, maladaptive memories stuck in your brain. After EMDR therapy sessions clients find the memories about the event processed seem faded. Some bits of information, deemed unimportant to your current life and survival, may be completely discarded. EMDR does not delete memories. EMDR simply changes the way painful memories are stored, so that when you think about them, they no longer trigger and hurt you the same way before you started EMDR sessions.

Please email me at therapyfor@livinginthesecondhalf.com or call me at 646-859-0125 to schedule a free 15 minute consulation